Unveiling the Power of Language and Communication in Leadership with Matthew Riven

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Have you ever wondered how understanding dominance and submission can impact your leadership and communication skills? Well, you’re in for a treat! In this episode, we’re diving deep into how past traumas and the power of language influence our business interactions and leadership roles.

Let’s explore the Power of Language and Communication in Leadership

Before we move forward, a quick recap! In our previous episode “Breaking Patterns and Embracing Your True Desires“, I sat down with the incredible Matthew Riven, a professionally trained Dom who brought some eye-opening insights into dominant and submissive roles, repeating patterns, and how childhood traumas can shape our present. If you missed it, make sure to check it out first!

Today’s Deep Dive

Today, we pick up where we left off, delving deeper into stereotypes and issues related to dominant and submissive states. How do these roles apply to your business? 

Well, Matthew has been instrumental in helping me understand and resolve my childhood traumas, which has significantly impacted my clarity and focus.

Boss Your Business Podcast Ep 77 Unlocking Business Success through Dominance Submission and Communication with Matthew Riven Matthew Riven story - Ask Yvi

Matthew shared a fantastic resource: the book “Unbound” by Kasia Urbaniak. This book provides a brilliant explanation of dominance and submission from various perspectives. It’s about recognizing where you are coming from—whether from a dominant “I need this” stance or a submissive “What more information do you need?” angle.

Practical Tips from Matthew Riven

Matthew emphasized the importance of good communication, active listening, and effective negotiation. It’s fascinating how different energy dynamics come into play in both personal and business relationships. Here’s a golden nugget: knowing someone’s personality adaptations across a negotiation table can be a game-changer. It’s about reading their micro-movements and understanding where they’re coming from to frame your questions accordingly.

As someone who’s trained in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), I can vouch for the transformative power of understanding and using language effectively. The debate about whether NLP is manipulative often boils down to the intent behind its use. Think of language as a tool—it can be either loving or harmful, depending on how you wield it.

The Power of Language

Have you ever thought about how the language you use impacts your biochemical reactions? Simple words like “try” and “can’t” can have profound effects on our mindset and energy. Instead, shift to saying “do” or “will,” and notice how your perspective changes! Matthew described how focusing on phrases like “every time” and “always” restricts us. These limitations are self-imposed and can be broken by setting higher goals—like adopting the 10X mindset described in “10X is Easier than 2X.”

Balancing Independence and Connection

An interesting point Matthew brought up is the balance between independence and the need for connection. Both extremes—being overly independent or totally dependent—can hinder our growth. Instead, finding a middle ground where we can ask for help and still maintain our individuality is key.

Final Thoughts

By the end of our talk, you’ll gain practical tools to enhance your communication and leadership skills. You’ll also learn to foster healthier relationships in business—and beyond! Ready to transform your leadership and communication game? Tune into today’s episode and let’s peel back the layers of power dynamics with Matthew Riven.

Stay fabulous, and as always, keep learning and growing! 🌿✨

🌟 Meet my Master Matthew Riven

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/masterriven/
Website: https://stirinstitute.com/


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Video Transcription:

Yvonne Heimann [00:00:04]:
Hello and welcome back to Baas, your business podcast. And if you’re just joining us, make sure to catch up on the previous episode where Matthew and I discussed dominant and submissive roles, repeating patterns and dealing with childhood traumas. Today we are picking up where we left off and diving deep into more of the dominant and submissive state stereotypes and issues involving those roles, how it applies into your business, how Matthew has helped me get more clear on my childhood traumas and resolving those. So if you haven’t watched the first episode yet, make sure you start there and then come right back as we keep on bringing the heat.

Matthew Riven [00:00:51]:
It’s a great thing from the academy, and you have the book here, unbound, which is phenomenal. And I’m not gonna pronounce the name right, it’s Cassia Urbaniac. I believe I’m gonna mispronounce it is great.

Yvonne Heimann [00:01:04]:
I’m not the only one that always mispronounces names.

Matthew Riven [00:01:06]:
Yeah, but you have an accent.

Yvonne Heimann [00:01:08]:
You can blame that I make it sound cute.

Matthew Riven [00:01:10]:
See, that’s the difference is she does a great job of explaining dominance and submission based on where are you coming from? A dominant role will be I need this. I need you to do x. This is why I need it. A submissive would be why are you thinking this is not comfortable? Or what else do you need? What more information do you want? And it’s a great way to get what you want, whether you’re coming from a leadership role dominant, a submissive role follower technically. But in this case, you can get what you want simply by asking questions. And we come all the way back around to good communication, good listening skills, negotiation understand what’s going on and asking directly for what you want and doing it without pressure and doing it without force and doing it without somebody ending up resenting you or coming up with consent. Regret relationship goes smoothly pretty much only about a third of the time you.

Yvonne Heimann [00:02:22]:
Are putting two people with two different perceptions, more than two different perceptions. But let’s keep it simple. Two different energies into one room, into one relationship, into one situation. And like, I even fight with myself, how is that not going to happen in a relationship? And no matter if that’s a business or a personal relationship, it’s something is going to happen.

Matthew Riven [00:02:51]:
So in the something is going to happen. It’s interesting. I have used in my business life, I can’t tell you the number of times I have used transactional analysis and knowing somebody’s personality adaptations and where they’re coming from across a negotiation table against I won’t say against them, but I’m able to read somebody and realize that, oh, you’re coming from this adaptation, most probably. I’m not going to communicate and ask my question like this. I’m going to ask my question like that. And I have used it to negotiate with somebody to I’m still asking the questions. I’m just doing it in a manner of which I know where you’re coming from now, as you said, I see your little micro movements and microaggressions, and I’ve seen your energy change before. You realize it’s changed.

Matthew Riven [00:03:40]:
It’s in a business world. That’s fantastic.

Yvonne Heimann [00:03:42]:
Nice asset is as a coach, it can be a pain in the ass. Just saying, you can’t hide anything. That’s actually what you want on a coach.

Matthew Riven [00:03:47]:
Do you want to hide something from your girlfriend?

Yvonne Heimann [00:03:49]:
No, I don’t. Fine.

Matthew Riven [00:03:51]:
She’s like, fine. No, damn it.

Yvonne Heimann [00:03:54]:
God damn it. But what I see in that, and I learned similar with a different viewpoint, with a different language behind it, but that’s what I learned with NLP, too. So I’m a neuro linguistic programming master practitioner, and I know there is quite a few conversations out there of is it manipulating or is it not manipulating? I look at NLP in a way where I learned how people process information and how I can figure that out based on their language. One of the runners is it’s a.

Matthew Riven [00:04:37]:
Manipulation, or is it a negotiation technique.

Yvonne Heimann [00:04:40]:
Now, the interesting thing is how I look at it, because I get where people are coming from that say NLP is a manipulation technique. It can be. To me, it comes back to the person that’s implementing it. What’s your name? It is language. Language can be loving and language can be hurtful. It matters who is using it, how. NLP is the same way. Any education is the same way.

Yvonne Heimann [00:05:06]:
It can be used for good and it can be used for bad. I use it to be able to get past certain walls. Meaning if I’m coming in as a consultant or a coach, being in a group setting, you know, you’re going to have multiple different people with multiple different perceptions, with multiple different goals, and with multiple different core values. Now, my job is to bring them together to get to the main goal, why I was brought on. If that is implementing ClickUp, if that is team buy into a new sales funnel, whatever it is. Now, suddenly you are trying to bring together how many people all at once for a common goal. They’re not all speaking the same language. That person is making decisions based on feelings.

Yvonne Heimann [00:05:54]:
That’s biological. That’s a creative one. That one doesn’t give a crap. He just follows along. All of those are possible now, with what I have learned in my NLP master training.

Matthew Riven [00:06:06]:
You have the tools to read.

Yvonne Heimann [00:06:07]:
I have the tools to translate between those and speak to their goal and literally just get through the language barrier because they are literally using different language when they are saying the same thing, which is why, like, you can hear something three times and it doesn’t hit till somebody says it.

Matthew Riven [00:06:28]:
And suddenly, in such a way. Yeah. There are so many different parts of life that are a lesson that you need to learn, and you’re not going to learn it a until you’re ready and be. Until it’s taught to you in a way that works for you. You can look at somebody seven different ways and teach them how to do a physical feat, and it’s only when that 8th person comes up and says, think of it like this, and all of a sudden, oh, my God. Yeah, that was the easiest thing in the world. Why didn’t I learn that? Because you needed to get there. You needed to take those steps.

Matthew Riven [00:07:02]:
Language is. One of the words that I was taught early on is the language we use in our head just creates a biochemical reaction, and it dumps into our body, and what we feel in our body goes back up into the brain. So whether we’re talking about psychological workup here or we’re talking about somatic methodologies of the body, of the work that goes on. What are you feeling in your gut? What are you feeling in your heart? Where’s that energy is as you talked about, you need to take a walk sometimes. You need to get that energy out. You need the somatic release. Somewhere where the dom work comes into play or the sub work comes into play, you need that energy release. Language is fun.

Matthew Riven [00:07:41]:
Just because a word that you. I’ve told this to you is try. Try is just also a terrible word.

Yvonne Heimann [00:07:49]:
We don’t try. You either way. Do or you don’t.

Matthew Riven [00:07:51]:
Yeah. It’s the one thing Yoda was 100% correct at. Do or do not. There is no try.

Yvonne Heimann [00:07:56]:
That is one thing that I think that is the one single phrase that stuck with me from my NLP coach, Stephanie. Somewhere in there, I think it was practitioner training. Doesn’t matter. A pen doesn’t try to write. It writes, or it doesn’t. And literally, every single time I hear the word try is when that pops in my head, and I’m like, that’s.

Matthew Riven [00:08:21]:
Every single time I said it. And I know I’ve said it a half a dozen times in this podcast already. Every single time I have kicked myself going, you shouldn’t say that. Another fun word is the can’ts and the won’t. I can’t do that. Or is it you won’t? Cause all of a sudden can’t become something out of your control. Every time I confront Bob at work, he always, I just, I can’t do it without crying. I can’t do it without just yelling at him.

Matthew Riven [00:08:51]:
You can’t or you won’t? And all of a sudden won’t becomes responsibility and you internalize it. And just changing that one word, getting can’t out of your vocabulary.

Yvonne Heimann [00:09:02]:
Now I’m gonna add to that, okay, because you also put a presupposition in there. You said always. When did you make that decision?

Matthew Riven [00:09:11]:
When did you make a decision that it’s always going to be that way?

Yvonne Heimann [00:09:14]:
Oh, I. Every time, every, always, often can’t and.

Matthew Riven [00:09:20]:
Won’T comes into play.

Yvonne Heimann [00:09:22]:
The limitations we set ourselves on, where it’s like, gotta love how this all comes together. I’ve been reading ten x is easier than two x. That has been my latest read. And I never understood the idea of ten x, where it’s like, you want me to set a goal ten x higher than what I actually think is possible. Gives me heart palpitations as like, I’m having a full on meltdown. This is. And if I. If I don’t believe, how am I going to make this happen? You are just giving me that.

Matthew Riven [00:09:58]:
I just want to get to 200.

Yvonne Heimann [00:09:59]:
Exactly. Exactly. Now, the phrasing and the explanation in the book of how ten X is easier than two X made complete sense to me, and I’m all for it. Now, going for the ten x takes your focus literally on something you think is not possible, which then means you are putting everything away that doesn’t get you there. You might not reach the ten x within the first year, but you eliminated all of the bullshit that you just put time into. And we do the same thing in language, how we minimize ourselves of saying, I can’t do this. I don’t have this knowledge. I don’t have that knowledge.

Yvonne Heimann [00:10:52]:
Who decided that that’s what you need to accomplish this?

Matthew Riven [00:10:54]:
I heard a cant there. Exactly right. I can’t do this. Then you won’t with it. You know the old analogy, whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right. That comes into play so much, and we’re not taught any of this. You talked about sex and sexuality in the United States. We are an incredibly repressed culture, there’s no question.

Matthew Riven [00:11:19]:
But at the same time, I have an Ivy League MBA. We were never taught that your energy matters, that your thought process matters. We were just taught of how to bowl through things, get ahead, force your way through, get to. Yes. Whatever it takes. If you fail, that’s on you. If you succeed, that’s on maybe you. But nowhere was it taught your attitude matters.

Matthew Riven [00:11:44]:
We don’t have any of that focus. I know now there’s medical schools around the country that force. One of the requirements is humanities classes and energy classes for the medical students so that they understand that there is more to the patient than just the plumbing and the wiring and the, and the lumber.

Yvonne Heimann [00:12:05]:
And I love that you brought up energy. Made me think of a conversation I had lately.

Matthew Riven [00:12:11]:
We’ll get to make mes in a minute. I heard that too.

Yvonne Heimann [00:12:16]:
I had a conversation. I would love your take on it. Where I believe that burnout is a focus issue. And let me explain. You have people, same person, same person that works the same amount, the same times, does the exact same things and burns themselves out, and a year later, same hours, same effort, and they do not burn out because they have a focus the second time around that is rooted in their core belief. That is something that speaks really closely to them, that gives them the energy to do their work, to do all the things they want to do without burning out.

Matthew Riven [00:13:04]:
I think they’re probably also doing it in a healthier way of if. I just don’t think it’s healthy for somebody to focus on one thing 100% all the time, to the detriment of every other part of your life, that is not healthy. Whether it’s getting the MBA, getting the medical MD degree, whether it’s getting your business up to a million from 10,000, you need, need to figure out healthy ways to do it. So let’s talk about the opposite side of a good girl, the uberly independent woman who will take no assistance and no help from anybody else. I’m not describing anybody and I’m looking the way you’re looking around right now.

Yvonne Heimann [00:13:59]:
Been there, done that.

Matthew Riven [00:14:00]:
Been there, done that.

Yvonne Heimann [00:14:01]:
I’m supposed to be doing this by myself. I’m not supposed to be asking for help.

Matthew Riven [00:14:05]:
Exactly right. And so the problem is you have the good girl, which is I have no desires of my own. I’m not allowed to have any desires of mine. I have to do what everybody else wants, and I have to abide by everybody. I have to give up me to be loved by you. On the other side, you have the person who is so independent, they won’t ask for help even when they need it. The independent woman who’s got a spouse, and they’re always complaining about the fact that the spouse doesn’t help them at all, doesn’t do anything.

Yvonne Heimann [00:14:36]:
Did you ever ask for it at all?

Matthew Riven [00:14:38]:
It’s not even that they don’t ask for it even if that spouse wanted to. At one point in time, they have learned they can’t. I use the word they can’t do it right. They can’t do it right. They’re always doing it wrong. They’ve gotten to the point in time, or they’ve asked 100 times, and you’ve always the example. You’ve always said, no, I don’t need any help. So they’ve stopped asking.

Matthew Riven [00:15:01]:
It’s that independent woman with a streak that they won’t let anybody help them. None of us can get through this on our own. Just think of us as a species. We are born, and it takes years to become to the point in time where we’re independent. Even 10,000 years ago, even a million years ago, it would have taken us so long.

Yvonne Heimann [00:15:26]:
You’re not even independent once you’re finally 25. Mama’s still doing the laundry.

Matthew Riven [00:15:30]:
Well, yeah, that’s something else entirely. The failure to launch is something else. Or you have the tortoise, which, I’m sorry, the eggs get laid in the sand. Mom disappears. She’s gone. The eggs come out. Dude’s like, figure it out. Water’s over that way.

Matthew Riven [00:15:42]:
I got to go that way. And they are on their own and independent from the get go. We are not born that way. We are not raised that way. It takes a village. All of that stuff comes into play. You can’t be independent and do 100% on your own. I guarantee you that person who burned themselves out and a year later are doing the exact same amount of work over the exact same 40 or 50 or 70 hours a week.

Matthew Riven [00:16:05]:
They’re doing other things in their lives that are healthier for them. Whether it’s working out, whether it’s yoga, whether they’re getting spanked by a dom once a week to get that energy out and get that focus back, they’re doing something for them.

Yvonne Heimann [00:16:27]:
Hmm. Yeah, I’ll give you that one.

Matthew Riven [00:16:30]:
They’re doing something different. All of that energy comes into play, and it’s an interesting. It is an interesting combination. If you’d asked me before, before I met Kimmy inch, if I would be doing this as a career. Oh, my God. No. Because the good boy would never have allowed it. And to speak about this publicly and to say, this is what, I’m a professionally trained Dom.

Matthew Riven [00:16:59]:
I have all these sorts of things. The world’s an interesting place.

Yvonne Heimann [00:17:03]:
The funny thing is that is the reason why I actually connected with him. That piece right there. Having from. We connected because of my personal growth, because it was this. I am tired of guys not knowing what the hell they actually are doing. And I wanted to know more about that piece of. Wait a second. Wait.

Yvonne Heimann [00:17:27]:
Twin darn wet.

Matthew Riven [00:17:29]:
There’s a training. There’s a certification for that. You can really. There’s a conference for that, too, by.

Yvonne Heimann [00:17:33]:
The way, because I was always in tune with that energy exchange.

Matthew Riven [00:17:41]:
Right. You were also raised in a society where it was a little bit okay to be in that energy modality. I think one of the problems in the US is we’re not. We don’t have a good understanding what kink is. I’m not Christian Gray. The books are horrible. They are vile. They’re bad.

Matthew Riven [00:18:06]:
They’re wrong. I found them unpalatable. I read them because I felt that I probably should and because you knew.

Yvonne Heimann [00:18:15]:
It was gonna come up. And I knew it was gonna come up. I have to admit. Never read the book, watched the movie. And even though on a personal level, as at, quote, entertainment, I did like 50 shades of Grey, however, never seen it, however. However. And that’s your point right there. I realized how Christian Grey was portrayed even in the movies, too, of his kink is a compensation method for his stuff.

Yvonne Heimann [00:18:45]:
I saw the physiology aspect behind the character they painted. And I’m like, guys, you fucked that one up.

Matthew Riven [00:18:55]:
Yeah, they fucked that one up. I’ll say it. They fucked that one up. Hollywood does that. And so let’s dive into kink for a bit here. Hollywood portrays kink terribly. They do it as it’s something wrong. It’s compensation for a trauma.

Matthew Riven [00:19:12]:
It is something that is wrong. Evil, dangerous, damaging, unhealthy. All of the research, and there is legitimate research on this from the Kinsey Institute, again, from sex therapists, from all the psychologists who go through this, it’s been removed from the DSM, is that most people don’t get into kinky things from a trauma based background. You learn it as an adult, and it’s intriguing, and the energy is exciting, and the. That’s kind of fun. And you get into it that way, or you learned it as a kid in a very natural way, whether that is as a 16 or 18 year old kid. You saw a basic instinct. And there’s a very powerful, passionate sex scene in that movie, whether you saw, whether it’s Gail Godot or Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman with the golden lasso tying somebody up, whether it was Julie Neumar as Batgirl from the Adam west reruns, or it was seven of nine from the Star Trek.

Matthew Riven [00:20:26]:
Right. Tight outfit like that. Kind of like Aaron Gray from Buck Rogers. Whether you watched the 300 with a bunch of really hot, well built guys running around in leather harnesses.

Yvonne Heimann [00:20:41]:
What is it about letter harness?

Matthew Riven [00:20:43]:
I know, right?

Yvonne Heimann [00:20:44]:
I don’t know what that is.

Matthew Riven [00:20:45]:
But you picked up. But there, that’s the thing. I don’t know what it’s about, but there’s something about it that just works for you. Works for a lot of people. That’s why they. But there’s something about it. That’s how most people get into kink. What is a good definition of kink for a lot of people? It’s something you’re embarrassed about asking for.

Matthew Riven [00:21:04]:
And it could be as simple as that. I know people that found a french kiss kinky. Wait, you touch tongues. And they found that kinky, let alone going to the spanking, the bondage, the leather play, the masks, the zipper, any of those kinds of things. So kink is just a part of sex, of whatever you find erotic, exciting that to you is out of the norm a little bit. Not enough to go? Not for me. The one thing you never do is you don’t yuck somebody’s yum. You don’t want to get spanked.

Matthew Riven [00:21:45]:
Somebody else does. That’s okay. That’s perfectly natural. Where it comes into play is if it’s unhealthy. Christian Gray and the way he did things was unhealthy for himself and others. The last thing I do in my work is I just said it. I don’t yuck somebody’s yum. I’m not here to have somebody come to me, a couple who will come to me and say, I need him to stop desiring x.

Matthew Riven [00:22:12]:
I’m not going to do that. I’m not. There’s no. I don’t need to heal anybody away from kink. What I might do is use your kinks to heal you from something that’s not working for you. That’s what a piece of work might look like is I’m going to use the kinks to get you the power dynamic you want. I need to release my desire to be submissive. I want to be submissive I want to get some power in my life.

Matthew Riven [00:22:47]:
I feel incredibly powerless. Okay, let’s talk about that and see what power looks like for you. And maybe it is holding somebody down. Maybe it is putting a bandana or a silk tie around somebody’s wrists. Maybe it is Shabari and being gorgeous. That is a focus. That is a piece of work right there that is fascinating in talk about attunement, building a container for somebody is the immense focus of Shibari in the rope bunny. The person being tied gets to let everything else go.

Matthew Riven [00:23:32]:
Close their eyes.

Yvonne Heimann [00:23:33]:
Don’t even have another choice.

Matthew Riven [00:23:34]:
And, oh, no, you.

Yvonne Heimann [00:23:35]:
It’s like a meditation.

Matthew Riven [00:23:36]:
You have a choice. You can be thinking about a hundred different things, but you want to get into it as a meditative space and get in that subspace and release everything from the rigors perspective, whether you’re not suspending somebody or just tying somebody, you want your entire focus to be on your partner. To everything else goes. You’re not thinking about what happened earlier that morning. You’re not thinking about the email you need to send. You’re not thinking about what’s going to happen tomorrow. You are so intensely focused, you can hear the passion in my voice. You are so intensely focused on your partner, what’s right in front of you right now, because there’s so much involved in it.

Matthew Riven [00:24:23]:
There’s such a safety component to it. Where’s the rope? Is it over a nerve bundle? Is it over blood vessels? Am I constricting? Is there pain? Am I doing this in a safe way? But it’s also, am I getting my partner what they want? What am I feeling? What are they sensing and that type of energy? So imagine you’re in a boardroom and I’m having a conversation with a business room, a boardroom. I’m having a conversation with an associate. Whether it is somebody who works for me that I need better work from, whether it is a boss that I’m explaining why we shouldn’t do x we need to do. Yeah, but getting them to the point in time where my conversation is so intimately and intensely focused on you and what you need that nothing outside of this room exists, you’re gonna have a better rapport with your employee, with your manager, with your subordinate, with your.

Yvonne Heimann [00:25:25]:
You mean not paying attention to anybody.

Matthew Riven [00:25:28]:
When you’re doing the conversation right. The last thing you’re gonna want to do is pick up the phone. Unless you are so uncomfortable having that level of intimacy with someone, which can happen too. Which can happen a lot in that point in time. I’ll pull back a little bit and you’ll adjust that level. But whether it’s kink for fun, whether it’s kink for healing, whether it’s a conversation with your kids, whether it’s a conversation with your boss or your subordinate, don’t you want it to be that powerfully connected? I have never met them. I have heard stories from people who have talked with Bill Clinton. Love him or hate him, people always said the same thing about him.

Matthew Riven [00:26:13]:
When you were in a conversation with Bill Clinton, you were the only two people who exist in the world. He is so intensely focused on you. I don’t know whether he’s thinking about a hundred different other things or not, but his outward attention is so intensely focused. I’ve talked to people who love him and hate him, but everybody says the same thing. There is such an incredible focus. And he’s not doing it to be manipulative. He is doing it to be personable and charming. And it’s just supposed to be so powerful.

Matthew Riven [00:26:47]:
Isn’t that what you want a lot of your conversations to be? When you’re dealing with someone, you want.

Yvonne Heimann [00:26:50]:
To feel seen, you want to feel heard.

Matthew Riven [00:26:52]:
Heard. You want to feel seen, you want to feel taken care of. You want to feel listened to. And even as a subordinate, even as a submissive.

Yvonne Heimann [00:27:02]:
That’s why.

Matthew Riven [00:27:02]:
That’s how I’m heard. That’s where the power is. I’ll ask you the question. Between a submissive and a dominant, who is the power?

Yvonne Heimann [00:27:12]:
I know the submissive actually has the power. I can pull the plug at any given time.

Matthew Riven [00:27:17]:
You can pull the plug at any given time. Let’s go back to consent. No should not be turned into a yes. A yes can be turned into a no at any time. You have set the limits. You have set the boundaries. You have negotiated where, what I’m allowed to say, what I’m allowed to do, what the activities are going to be, how long they’re going to be last. What are the safe words? All of that has come from the subordinate, has come from the submissive.

Matthew Riven [00:27:43]:
If the Dom does one thing to cross that line, you’re done. I can’t tell you the number of friends who know what I do, and they come up to me. I’m talking to this guy online, or I’ve met this guy 99 times out of 100 when they’re talking about this guy who portrays himself as a dom. And a couple of times I’ve actually had a couple of men who come up and they’re talking about a woman who portrays herself as a dominatrix. 99 times out of 100, my response is right. The best case scenario is there a guy who’s got one pink flogger and he considers himself a dom and he doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing.

Yvonne Heimann [00:28:18]:
And there was an area that just freaking aggressive and have no idea what dumb actually means.

Matthew Riven [00:28:22]:
They’re misogynistic. They’re woman hatred. They’re looking to beat up on somebody, whether it’s a woman or a subordinate male, a sub male. They are looking to beat up on someone for their own pleasures, for their own desires. If they say to you, you have too many boundaries, if they say to you, I know what you want, any of the. It’s a red flag. It’s more than that. It’s a dozen red flags.

Matthew Riven [00:28:49]:
It’s a red light. It’s a siren going off, and you need to run. Don’t even engage. Block them. Run. Be done. That happens more often than not. My friends come to me as a trained dom, knowing I have the expertise to train others and to teach others and to make sure that my friends are in safe, healthy situations.

Matthew Riven [00:29:13]:
Because this can be dangerous. Any of this can be dangerous.

Yvonne Heimann [00:29:16]:
It can. And interestingly enough, its trade up, for me, at least in my head, translates into business, too. Because the same red flags I see in those conversations happen on the business level, too.

Matthew Riven [00:29:28]:
On the business level all the time.

Yvonne Heimann [00:29:29]:
Where its like you are not alone.

Matthew Riven [00:29:32]:
100%, evie, I can get that done by the end of the month. Yeah, sure, youll be fine. But you know. And they won’t. And they can’t. And you can just tell from the conversation it’ll be done by the end of the month. You’ll be lucky to get it in three months, and they’ll probably stop talking to you, and you’ll never get it at that point in time. It happens all the time in business.

Matthew Riven [00:29:49]:
And it doesn’t have to be the used car salesman in a plaid sports jacket and loud tie.

Yvonne Heimann [00:29:55]:
No, they usually don’t show up. That in your face.

Matthew Riven [00:30:00]:
No, no. But you need to be able to read your red flags, and you need to be able to trust them again. But it’s coming from that healthier point. Let’s go all the way back around again. How many women do you know? Men do it, too, but typically women, you’re dating the same guy over and over again. You’re saying that called out? I’m not called out. I don’t call that.

Yvonne Heimann [00:30:23]:
No, I called myself out.

Matthew Riven [00:30:24]:
You called yourself on that I called myself out. I don’t break confidentiality. You called your cellphone on that.

Yvonne Heimann [00:30:28]:
But that’s one of the reasons why I started my hardware store looking for milk.

Matthew Riven [00:30:33]:
And you’re going to a dozen different hardware stores trying to buy a quart of milk every single time you need to shop somewhere different. But people have those patterns they refuse to break and you’re going into the hardware store expecting a different result.

Yvonne Heimann [00:30:47]:
How I started this whole journey was leaving my toxic relationship. I had a great relationship before that and I was like, why am I back in this pattern? I know what this can be. Why did I go back into a toxic relationship that made me smaller just because he thought he needed me on his level, that was pretty much what was happening. And coming out of that, moving to San Diego, full reset. I decided I am not dating for two years. I wasn’t even on dating app for two years where I’m like, I needed to figure out who the hell am I? What am I? Without anybody else telling me what to do? And why am I back into an old pattern? I divorced my first husband. I left the boyfriend that did that crap to me. Why did I, why did I go back to this pattern? And I think the first step is realizing that pattern is there.

Yvonne Heimann [00:31:47]:
If you are dating the same guy over and over and over again, I’m sorry, the guys are not the problem. You are the one common denominator. Oh my God. What an amazing episode and recording with Matthew. You can be sure he will be back on the podcast and I might have a couple of ideas for some collaborations in the future. We will see where all of that goes. If you are ready to eliminate your toxic relationships in your personal and your business life, go check Matthew out on his website. As always, the links are all in the description Steer Institute.

Yvonne Heimann [00:32:25]:
I’ve been working with him and the Institute for quite a few months. At this point. It is time to own our power, to step into our amazingness and let the people that act out of fear and simply want to put their limiting beliefs and their pain on us, let them be focus on us, focus on stepping into our power and really go after our desires. No matter if that’s personal life, business life, or anything else. I hope I will see you in the next episode as we talk about how to boss our business and boss our mindset. I’ll see you there.

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